Meltdown.

I think we're all entitled to a meltdown every now and again. Sometimes people have spectacular meltdowns: you know the kind where the waterworks are flowing, yelling ensues and possibly the breakage of a few treasured items that you may come to regret in the morning. Other times, the meltdown may be more silent, no yelling, no breaking of things and no waterworks. These kind of meltdowns, while definitely more secretive are just as spectacular.

I think I may be in the middle of a spectacular silent meltdown. My brain seems to be going into shut down mode, even as I type this. Everyone knows that I'm a busy person. I get a lot of comments about how crazy I must be and yadda yadda yadda. Yes. I'm busy. Yes. It was my choice. Yes. I made a HUGE mistake in over scheduling myself. Yes. I TOTALLY regret it. I thought that Mark's job would basically be keeping away from the house at all hours of the day. He's done this kind of job before and I was completely unprepared for it. He would leave at 6am and not come home sometimes until 9 or 10pm--only to get up and do it all over again the next day. Weekends consisted of him going in at least one day. Needless to say, I decided that I didn't want to be left with a lot of time on my hands to wallow in self-pity. So, I did what any other spouse would do--I decided to keep myself busy.

Busy is very much an understatement. I work part time, take classes for my master's degree, volunteer with the Barksdale Officers' Spouses' Club, raise the kiddos and run. Any time leftover is usually dedicated to inhaling food or sleeping. I thought I had it under control until yesterday. For some reason, yesterday is when everything seemed to unravel in my brain. It wasn't any one thing in particular. I have 2 papers due today and have only partially completed one. I know that I will finish them today (and most likely, they will be total crap), but my brain just doesn't want to cooperate. I want to veg on the couch with the kids. I want to be able to roam a store without having to run to a meeting. I want to just escape for a little while. The only problem is that if I escape for a little while, I know that everything will just pile up and still be waiting for me with an even greater sense of urgency. Again, I realize that I did this to myself, so I am expecting absolutely no pity whatsoever.

Things went over the top this morning. I have had some *ahem* girly issues that have been off and on for the past 2 years. I thought that they had resolved themselves, as I have not had to go in for almost 18 months. However, yesterday it reared its ugly head again. I had hoped that when I woke up this morning that it would have magically disappeared. It didn't. I know that I need to see the doctor, as my referral to the OB/GYN has expired. It is a vicious cycle with Tricare...you go to your Primary Care Physician, only to get referred to the on-base OB/GYN. The OB/GYN on base is mean and nasty and will then refer you to an off-base provider. The whole process takes about 6 weeks to finally get seen by the person that you need to see. I am exhausted just thinking about having to go through all of this all over again. I have 6 days until the marathon, 2 papers due today, a social tomorrow night and a fundraiser that I am trying to solicit donations for in my spare time. My silent meltdown has commenced and I just don't want to play anymore.

The papers will get done, the marathon will be run, the social will be fun and the fundraiser is whatever it is. I have already started the ball rolling with the doctors. I have an appointment at 10:20am tomorrow morning and I'm hoping that they can prescribe the first round of meds to see if it will help, AND that they can put in a direct referral to the off base provider. I know it's a lot to hope for, but stranger things have happened. I just know to not do this again to myself. Consider the lesson learned.