Dependents (ce)

When I was growing up, I was always told that I needed to be independent of anyone else. My grandmother used to tell me that I shouldn't depend on anyone else to make things happen in my life. I would and should be the one to figure out my own way and how to get there. I've always taken pride in being independent and remaining true to me. Even though I'm a mom and a wife, I try to remind myself constantly that I am also me.

Being a military spouse is a bit of a funny thing. There are about a gazillion stereotypes and so many different things that we're told we should be. Even though I volunteer a lot with the spouse clubs and try to stay involved in base happenings, I tend not to classify myself as a military spouse--to me, I'm just a spouse; regardless of military. Sure, it can make things challenging at time, but I think that there are other situations that can be just as challenging (if not more so) than being associated with the military.

Today, I did something I never thought I would do. I turned down a job interview. I had applied for a really neat-sounding job. It was something that seemed right up my alley, and at the time, it seemed like a good idea. We'd be able to pay our debts down and everything would work out. But as the time passed, the husband's work schedule became more erratic and less predictable. At our previous base, I became so busy with work, volunteering, school and kids, that often my schedule dictated the family schedule. That's not how it's supposed to work in this lifestyle. Needs of the military/needs of the Air Force usually come first. After realizing the true reality of his new job, I knew that while I was ready and willing to go back to work outside of the home, my family is not. My kids had a hard time adjusting this summer with the move. It has taken the little one 4 months to finally get her behavior stabilized. She talks about her friends that she left behind constantly. It has taken 4 months for my son to finally make a friend that he wants to have over after school. Am I ready for all of that to change simply because of something I want? Do I turn their lives all crazy again just because of me? Am I sheltering them too much or smothering them?

In the end, one thing has remained constant for most of their lives...I have been home. I have been able to help with homework and calm them down when their world turns upside down. I show them how to make farting noises and put bright yellow Spongebob band aids on their scraped, no longer model-ready legs. If nothing else, this has been one singular constant that they can depend on. So, when the hiring manager at the MWR marketing department called with an eager voice hoping I could schedule an interview, I politely declined. Yes, I could have gone through the process, just to go through, but it's not right and not fair to take time that could belong to someone else. I just didn't realize how much I really did want the job.

I'm not trying to be a martyr...oh pity me for staying home...I know that I am incredibly lucky to be able to stay home and raise my kids. In this day and in this economy, I am so grateful that someone--anyone--would have wanted to grant me an interview. I feel that I may have lost a little piece of "me" today by saying no to something that I wanted, and thus giving my family something that they needed. I know that sounds selfish and maybe it is. Tonight is one of the first times that I truly felt like a "military" spouse. In my heart, I know that I made the right decision. It may take awhile for my head to catch up, but it will get there. I'm not resentful or angry at all and I just need to quiet the "what-ifs" in my head.

I know that staying at home is okay. I don't sit on my couch eating bon bons and watching soaps all day. I'm proud of my kids and proud of the hubs. I just need to be proud of me too. Even if I'm not independent, at least I'm co-dependent. The hubs brings home the bacon, and I cook the meal. It works for now and that's what matters. Maybe there is something bigger and better on the horizon and maybe this is it. I have a few ideas I've been batting around in my head, so maybe this is my chance to explore those options. I just have to have faith that it will all work out in the end.